The Long Journey to True Faith

I have written and re-written this post in my head about a hundred times. I am hesitant to share these things publicly, but in an attempt to be authentic and tell the story of my life, I will share a few of my recent thoughts.

After my miscarriage and ovarian cystectomy in May, I left my doctor's office with a timeline and strict instructions on how to best heal. Over the past few months, I have been feeling great and have really put a renewed emphasis on my health by eating better and getting back into running and exercising. My final post-surgery check-up was scheduled for September 5th.

When the day finally came, I walked into the doctor's office anxious to make a triumphant return. I was excited to put the past behind me and show them I had done exactly what I had been told and had even lost 15 pounds in the process. It was supposed to be my day of redemption after such a lousy experience.

When the doctor started the ultrasound, I immediately saw the huge black blob on the screen and knew that this was not going to be the triumphant return I had hoped for. Dr. Meek sadly told me that I had another very large ovarian cyst and quickly set a date for yet another surgery. I was crushed. I'm not going to lie... I sat in front of the doctor and nurse and bawled like a little baby. My mental fortitude was cracking, and I didn't know if I could go through it all again. He reassured me that none of this was my fault. Apparently these enormous cysts happen to a very small percentage of women and nobody knows why or how to solve the problem. At that moment, none of his words helped the pain in my heart.

When I got home, I went for a run. I ran farther and faster than I ever had before (in full disclosure, this isn't saying much). I don't know if I was running away from the problem or running toward a solution; I just knew that I was moving and that my imperfect body was carrying me. I was feeling bitter, angry and very picked on. I had done all the right thing, including praying daily for my body to heal. Still, nothing had worked.

After a few days and a few conversations with my family, I decided that I needed to have hope and go to work again. My family and extended family fasted for my health, I studied my scriptures harder than ever, I read Ensign articles and did my best to remain hopeful and full of faith. I wanted a miracle, and I knew I was going to have to be worthy of it. I fully believed that Heavenly Father could heal me from this ailment, I just didn't know if He would. I struggled mightily with the idea of faith. Did I really have the faith to be healed if I admitted that there was an alternative way this could end? I couldn't answer that question, but I did everything I could to strengthen and demonstrate my faith.

Finally, the day of reckoning came. I went in for my final pre-surgery appointment. I specifically asked for another ultrasound to check the progress. The doctor hesitated because he said the chance of it shrinking was only about 1% because of my previous history, but he eventually agreed. One minute later, I again saw the cyst and saw that it had not changed. I exhaled quietly and slowly went about the process of scheduling the surgery and filling out paperwork. I was more than a little disappointed that my righteous desires hadn't been granted.

Does that mean it was all worthless?

Absolutely not.

I still believe whole-heartedly that Heavenly Father could have healed me. I also believe that His plan for me is better than the plan I have for myself. Apparently, I still have more to learn and being healed in that way was not part of His plan. Whatever His will is for my family, I know that it will eventually bring us happiness and peace if I can just be patient enough to wait for it to unfold. Faith isn't based on an outcome. It is a way of living. It is a power that allows us to endure through any situation because we know that it will be for our eternal good. When true faith and God's will are aligned, it is a power that can move mountains, calm the raging seas, and heal the sick. I still have a long way to go, but these few months have been part of my refiner's fire in some small ways. These are some of the things I have learned in what will be a lifelong journey to true faith.

And so, I venture into surgery tomorrow for the fifth time overall and only 4 months removed from the last one. I go in without any assurance that I will ever be rid of this horrid condition. I go in needing help from my family and friends to take care of my kids while I heal... again. But I go in knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and is with me. Hopefully, I will eventually come to an understanding of His glorious plan for me and my family, but until then, I will continue to have faith.

Any prayers in behalf of me and my family would be greatly appreciated.