Trials and Thanksgiving

The last few weeks have been full of trials... physical trials, financial trials, and trials of faith. Each one individually seems small, but when all of them happened one after the next after the next, it left me feeling small, worn down, and empty. My body and soul felt drained, and I desperately needed some light to dispel the darkness that grew more intense as the weeks wore on. That is when I decided to start looking for the blessings amidst the trials. This earthly life was given to help us develop into better people, people ready to meet and live with God. Oftentimes, that is only accomplished through trials. I am fully aware of this and have seen the growth that comes through trials firsthand in my own life. The times when I have struggled the most are the times I have seen the most growth as I have exercised faith in my Savior to help me. Sometimes I forget though. That is what this month has been... a reminder of all the blessings I have and all the growth I still need to accomplish.

It started on Sunday when Andrew came down with a stomach virus in the morning. I stayed home from church to take care of him because Jonathon had to teach a lesson. He was quickly feeling better, and life moved on. Several days passed, and I thought the rest of the family had escaped. Unfortunately, on Thursday, Hyrum started throwing up. A 2 year old doesn't understand what's happening and can't express how he is feeling, so despite my best efforts, it seemed like he had thrown up in nearly every room of the house (and car) by the time he was feeling better. I scrubbed, wiped, mopped, disinfected, and did the laundry all day to keep the germs at bay and the rest of us healthy. Once again, despite my best efforts, Sunday came again, and I was home from church again. This time Christian was home with me, but at least he can make it to the bathroom in time.  And then all of the exposures finally caught up to me, and I was super sick for 36 hours. Jonathon had to miss work to take care of me and the kids. I am so grateful that was a possibility because of his flexible job. We were healthy for a week, and now Hyrum is really sick with a nasty cold. He basically hasn't slept or eaten much in 4 days, which means Jonathon and I haven't gotten sleep in 4 days. He is just grumpy and a nightmare. Oh well, the physical trials of the last few weeks have been relatively small in the big picture, and thankfully, should pass fairly quickly.

Financially, we are doing fine, but it was a hard month. We took a bit of hit with the expenses of moving over the summer, but it seemed like we were finally catching up again. Then, out of nowhere, the radiator on our car started leaking and had to be completely replaced. $800 later, we were feeling weary. Then, our water heater imploded and we had no hot water. After dealing with the home warranty company (which the seller purchased for us) and the plumber, it was determined that they would pay for our water heater, but the pipe to the furnace was in the way and would have to be moved. $725 later (and 5 days! without hot water), we had a new water heater. Those five days were brutal, but we made it work by showering at Jonathon's parents house and not doing any dishes or laundry. Just when we thought the financial hemorrhaging had stopped, we noticed the water heater was leaking again. Back came the plumber and off went all the water in our house. It turns out that the water pressure in our house was almost twice what it was supposed to be because the pressure gauge was broken. That had caused the original problem with the water heater and also some leaking pipes that the plumber found in our crawl space.  He needed to order a part, and once again, we had to deal with the annoying warranty company. Thankfully, they paid for the repair, but this time we were completely without water for FOUR days. It was a major trial, but we survived. We filled up huge water containers at the neighbors, showered at Mom and Dads, ate on paper plates, and conserved as much water as possible. It was actually very interesting to see what would be required in the event of a wide-spread outage. Although it was a rocky few weeks we felt so blessed to have an emergency fund to be able to cover all of the unexpected expenses.

Just when all this was going on, Christian told us that he had lost his $800 retainer. When we questioned him on it, he said that he didn't know where it was, but it had been several days since he remembered having it. We searched the whole house top to bottom and... nothing. Finally, he confessed that he thought maybe he had left it at the Costco food court when he ate dinner there with Grandma. Our hearts sank. Jonathon and I both felt like that had to have been what happened, and more than likely it had been thrown away with all of the wrappers and trash. No other ideas really made sense. We knew the likelihood of ever finding it again was very low, and we were a bit depressed to have to pay to have a new one made. The next morning, I said a prayer and called Costco. I asked the woman on the phone if anyone had turned in a retainer a few days ago and listened as she said, "no." My heart sank again, and I thanked her for her time. Then I heard a woman in the background call out, "Are they looking for a retainer? Does it have BYU written on it? I immediately cried, "Yes, yes. That's it!" The woman came back on the phone and triumphantly announced that they had put it in a special spot in the lost and found. I could NOT believe that someone had turned it in. Some wonderful mother probably saw that retainer and knew how much they cost and how important it was to some family out there. She was right! When I got off the phone, I dropped to my knees and said a grateful prayer. It may have seemed like a silly thing, but Heavenly Father was watching over us. I told Christian when he got home from school, and both of us said another prayer of thanks. So, even in our rocky trials and stressful financial situations, there are so many blessing to be thankful for.

Much more difficult to understand and deal with were the trials of faith that we experienced this month. The world and the values expressed by so many have changed so rapidly over the last few years. Every day I feel a further separation between the teachings of the church and the teachings of the world. Normally, I am able to put it into perspective quite easily and not dwell on the widening gulf. These last few weeks, however, the issue of gay marriage hit much too close to home as many friends of mine voiced strong opinions in opposition to the church's stand on how Bishop's should deal with situations that might arise involving children living with same-sex parents. The media ran wild with the church's position, and ran some really horrible headlines attacking the church, the leaders, and our beliefs. The articles were so hateful and one-sided that when I first heard about the new policy and guidelines, I was sad and confused as well. I felt cold and uneasy because the Spirit was not in those articles. I knew that there must be reasons for the new policy to not baptize children living in these circumstances until they were 18, but none were provided.

If I know anything, it is that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love children. I also know the deep love and compassion that church leaders have for all people, but especially children. Something didn't feel right about what the media was saying. I immediately prayed for answers, and then waited for further clarification from leaders. Many people did not wait, however. They were angry. They were hurt. And sadly, the majority of these were from members inside the church. Clarification eventually came, and I felt the sincerity and love behind the policy. I came to feel that the church leaders were trying to protect children and families. Not only that, but they were trying to protect the very sacred nature of the baptismal covenant and all that it entails.

There are no easy answers when trying to navigate this issue. We can love with everything we have, but in the end, Heavenly Father's law cannot be changed by men. Church leaders and members are in a difficult position in trying to show love and compassion to all without backing down on the fundamental principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The days and weeks ahead are only going to be more and more difficult. Our testimonies of the restored gospel will be tested fiercely. We must fortify ourselves and our children. But how should we handle these situations that will surely come?

During the time that I was still a bit shaken by the news articles that I had read, I first prayed for understanding. No specific answers came immediately, but I felt impressed to read the Conference edition of the Ensign. In its pages were so many answers to my questions. Several talks specifically laid out how to deal with questions and uncertainties. The leaders of the church are inspired, and I again felt that our loving Heavenly Father has and will continue to provide us with help and answers in these difficult times. Oh how grateful I am for Him.

Here are just a few of the passages that gave me comfort and peace and my reactions to them:

"When faced with questions or tempted to doubt, we should remember the spiritual blessings and feelings that have penetrated our hearts and lives in the past and place our faith in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ." -Elder Vern P. Stanfill: "Choose the Light"

I have been given many spiritual blessings and experiences that have given me a certain knowledge of our Heavenly Father and His plan for His children. I cannot deny them, and so I will not doubt just because I do not understand.

"Why did the trials of these sons of Mosiah strengthen their faith and commitment rather than cause them to murmur or doubt? The key is that 'they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.' We will all face trials and have questions, but remember that we must be 'continually holding fast to the rod of iron'."

"Be obedient, remember the times when you have felt the Spirit in the past, and ask in faith. Your answer will come." -Elder James B. Martino: "Turn to Him and Answers will Come"

This is how we stay strong amid doubt and confusion. We must search the scriptures, hold to the iron rod (word of God), pray with sincerity, fast, and continue on the path. The whole talk is wonderful and contrasts those who fall away with those who are willing to stay.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters-- my dear friends-- please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf: "Come, Join With Us"

Although not from this last conference, this quote by Elder Uchtdorf is the one that keeps coming back to me. My limited understanding is so small and so incomplete. To assume that I know better than my church leaders who have intensely studied out these issues in their mind and heart,  and have been in the trenches with people in these situations throughout the world seems highly unlikely. I know everybody has flaws, but I cannot claim to have more truth than them. Therefore, I am going to doubt my doubts first.

I know there are so many different opinions from so many good people around the world, but I write these things for my children. I want them to know that their mom had a testimony of the restored gospel, a powerful testimony of the Book of Mormon, and a testimony of prophets and apostles on the earth today. I will follow them and not look back. Pondering this issue has been a blessing because it has reaffirmed my faith in the restored gospel and allowed me to share it with my family.

Life is never completely smooth sailing, but it seems like we have faced more challenges than normal over the last month. Even with all the craziness, I can still look and see Heavenly Father's hand in our lives. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life and am glad that all of this happened around Thanksgiving so that I had an added reason to look for the blessings and not dwell on the struggles. Happy Thanksgiving!