A Different Kind of Mother's Day Post

I usually don't share extremely personal stories on our blog. They are usually reserved for my personal journal. I really feel like this story, however painful it might be, should be shared here. I have received so much comfort and peace in the last few days re-reading similar experiences that have been shared by friends and family members. Since I have benefitted so much from their open and honest public grieving, perhaps my story might someday help someone in the same way.

Our family is so happy and so blessed. I understand that and acknowledge it daily. Despite this understanding, we still have our trials. We have been wanting to add to our family for a long time. It has been a rough journey with many tears along the way. All of our hoping and praying for another baby was finally answered when we found out in March that we were finally expecting. The first trimester was full of mild nausea and extreme fatigue, but we were so excited that it was worth it. We waited and waited to share our good news. Finally, it seemed like it was safe to start telling people.

At our 12 week ultrasound (last Monday), the doctor looked around for several minutes and then, with a sad look on his face, told us that he couldn't find a heartbeat. He showed us the screen so that we knew for certainty what he saw. He sincerely apologized for the terrible news and left us alone for a few minutes. It was a surreal moment for both of us. I felt numb and did my best to think through all of the arrangements that would have to be made for the upcoming surgery. I held it together pretty well in the office, but by the time I reached the car, it all came tumbling out. Even in his own grief, Jonathon held me and loved me.

I cried so much that day that my eyes and face were raw and stung continually. We scheduled surgery for Wednesday. I had to have both a D&C and a laproscopic cystectomy to remove a softball sized cyst from my ovary. I dreaded the surgery, but at least it kept my mind focused on something.  Those first 3 days were by far the hardest. Luckily, the very few people who we had gotten around to telling were the perfect people to give comfort and help at our lowest moment. Our families and my two dearest friends  brought meals, sent flowers and cards, watched my boys, and cried with me. Their expressions of love were exactly what I needed in those first dark hours.

The surgery went well. My doctor called it a "technically difficult" surgery because of the size and location of the cyst, but he believes that I will regain full health, though it will take several months to heal internally. All in all, the physical recovery process has been far easier than I expected. My body seems to be healing quickly, and the pain and scarring is minimal.

The emotional recovery will take longer.

I have good days and bad. Sometimes I am full of so much peace and hope and other days I sink into deep despair. I'm sure this is completely normal, and I am confident that I will heal and become whole again with the passing of time.

Despite the intense pain and sadness I have felt over the last few days, I have gained so many insights into myself and my Savior. For example, those people who had experienced similar things themselves knew to a much greater degree the emotions I was feeling. Those shared experiences allowed them to grieve with me on a level so much deeper than I ever imagined possible. It made me realize how important and necessary it was for the Savior to descend below all things and experience all things when accomplishing the atonement. He has felt my pain and sadness and now has a perfect understanding of my needs and what will heal my broken heart. I understood all of these things on an intellectual level, but only now have I begun to understand them on a deeper spiritual level as I attempt to tap into that power.

One of my friends shared this quote from No Doubt About It by Sheri Dew when she recently went through a similar experience. It describes exactly how I am feeling (on my good days) and what I hope I can gain from this experience.

It is in moments of disappointment, heartache, and loneliness that we often make the decisions that forge our faith, mold our character, fortify our convictions about the only source of strength and solace that satisfies. And that is Jesus Christ.... How do we know if we can bear up under challenge and trial, unless we have challenge and trial? And how can we expect to feel and taste the pure sweetness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, specifically the power and peace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, unless there are times in our lives when we desperately need and seek that peace and power?"

I know there will continue to be difficult days and weeks ahead, but if this experience allows me to turn more fully to my Savior and someday be able to comfort someone in need like I have been comforted, it will have all been worth it.

I don't know what the future holds for our family, but this Mother's Day I am grateful. I am grateful for my two darling boys who love me unconditionally and teach me daily. I am grateful for a husband who has always been my rock. I am grateful for my mother and mother-in-law who have shown such love and care for me and have helped me have hope in the future by their examples. Lastly, I am so grateful for all those women with mother hearts who have reached out to me, sent me special notes and gifts, and have cried with me and for me. Your love and support is a blessing to me and my family. We are all so connected as women and mothers. Never have I felt that more keenly than this Mother's Day.