Finding Peace

Life is getting back to normal, and we are all feeling happy and healthy again. I know that everyone deals with trials and tragedy differently, but I thought I would write down my thoughts and experiences here so that I can look back on them someday and remember the special journey that I have had over the last 3 weeks.

So much has been written and researched about the stages of grief, and I probably went through most of them at one point or another. I definitely experienced shock and disbelief at first followed by deep sadness. Thankfully, that seemed to last for only a few days, and I was blessed with an amazing sense of hope for the future. I credit that to so many wonderful friends and family members who made me feel incredibly loved. Thank you so much for the flowers, the special notes, and the chocolate :). I also credit the majority of my healing to a renewal of my search for spirituality. I have really made an effort to search out articles and books that might give me insights into how to proceed, how to heal, and how to improve myself and my perspective.

These articles and book were particularly powerful for me. The first one by Elder Bednar was truly a changing experience in my life. Read it. It will change how you think about and view the atonement. I included my favorite quote(s) from each, but I would highly recommend reading them in their entirety. They are amazing!

The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality by Elder David A. Bednar (Ensign, April 2012)
"As you and I come to understand and employ the enabling power of the Atonement in our personal lives, we will pray and seek for strength to change our cirumstances rather than praying for our circumstances to be changed. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon." 

"The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distresses that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor--literally run to us-- and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying only upon our own powers." 

Mountains to Climb by President Henry B. Eyring (Ensign, May 2012)
"You and I have faith that the way to rise through and above trials is to believe that there is a 'balm in Gilead' and that the Lord has promised, 'I will not...forsake thee." 

And a Little Child Shall Lead Them by President Boyd K. Packer (Ensign, May 2012)
"If [a couple] understands and applies the Atonement, they will know that those experiences and the pain connected with them can be erased. No pain will last forever. It is not easy, but life was never meant to be either easy or fair."

No Doubt About It by Sheri Dew- I will probably write a whole post on this book. It has been amazingly helpful for me.

I have also found so many other ways to find peace and happiness while on this journey to heal. One special blessing that I didn't recognize until afterward was a seemingly random change in my church calling. I had only been the primary chorister for 9 months and thought I would be in that calling for many years. I loved it and felt like I was doing a really good job. Then one Sunday, shortly before we discovered the miscarriage, the Bishop asked me to be the Compassionate Service leader in the Relief Society. I was shocked and a little sad, but quickly came to understand the purpose behind the change. During the week of my surgery, someone else in our ward also lost a baby to miscarriage. I felt so much empathy and love for her. I was able to arrange meals for a few days for their family, and Jonathon took them flowers. That chance to serve was such a blessing. In the next two weeks, 6 other people in our ward had surgery or a need that I was able to help facilitate. Getting out of my own head and having the chance to serve others was just what I needed to jump start my recovery. It reminded me that everyone has struggles and trials. Mine are not unique, nor are they so difficult that I can not get through them. There are so many women who have suffered from infertility, miscarriage, and the loss of a child. I am not alone.

Lastly, I have found so much happiness in my family. I have felt so much more love and gratitude for my sons and my husband. Spending time with them and loving them has helped my heart. It is interesting what a change in perspective will do. Here are some of the fun things we have done:

*We really needed to get the boys out of their small beds. Christian was in a toddler bed, and Andrew was still sleeping in a crib. I was afraid that any day he was going to break through the bottom. We looked for bunk beds to buy, but they were so expensive. My mom and dad offered to let us have their old ones, but they were going to take some work because they had been outside in the weather for a couple of years. We brought them home after Daniel's wedding. While Jonathon was home from work taking care of me, he decided to work on them. He sanded them all down, re-stained them, and set them up. They are beautiful and the boys love them!

*We celebrated my birthday 2 weeks ago. This is the last year of my 20's and I am going to live it up! My mom came down to take care of me and celebrate with me. I still wasn't feeling 100% and wasn't supposed to lift anything, so she helped me do 6 loads of laundry... poor woman. She also played with the boys, did art projects with them every morning, babysat while Jonathon and I went on a date (to see The Avengers), and made us great meals. It was so nice to have her there for my birthday. 

*This little cutie had his Kindergarten completion program last week. They sang cute songs and got their completion certificates. It was a fun day to celebrate Christian and all the work he has done this year in school. He actually has a week left, and he is excited to be officially on Summer Break.

So to finish off this very long post, we are doing well. We are looking forward to the future and learning from the challenges we have been given. We are trying to see through the storms we have experienced, and Enjoy the Sunlight wherever we can find it. Life is good and we are blessed!